Avengers Jumps the Fucking Shark

Ok guys. New Avengers movie is out.

It’s here and oh boy is it fucking terrible.

It tries so hard to pretend to be self-aware of how shitty it is. It tries so hard to be so fucking edgy that it completely jumps the shark. Suspension of disbelief is broken, shattered to pieces, and used as a wet wipe for Disney’s elderly out-of-touch asshole.

 

SPOILERS incoming….


Alright.

 

If Thanos really wanted to kill half of the universe for supposedly humanitarian reasons, why wouldn’t he just snap his fingers and make every planet a paradise? Also, there’s no fucking way that a civilization with such amazing technology as Thanos’ could have mastered interstellar space travel but somehow lack the ability to build a fucking vertical farm to feed everybody.

“My home planet was destroyed because my friends wouldn’t let me murder half our populations” -Thanos, not even fucking joking

Seriously Thanos? Maybe the reason they didn’t want you to murder half of everybody is because they know how fucking aeroponics work because they’re a fucking space-faring advanced alien race who can produce enough food to feed a few billion people. Good job, dickweed.

 

K.

And you seriously expect me to believe that Gamorrah, who knows her father will murder everyone and everything she holds dear, would give the stone up to him so easily?

“Hey Thanos, I fucking hate you and I dedicated my entire life to wishing for your fucking death, but I’m gonna give you everything you want because you were mean to my sister for like 3 seconds.”

How in the absolute fuck are these two sisters, who both wish for nothing more in the world than to fuck up Thanos’ plans… How the fuck are they not prepared to die to stop him? Gamorrah watched her sister being tormented her entire childhood and did nothing, but she gets tortured one fucking time when it finally serves a purpose and suddenly Gamorrah gives in like she’s a giant fucking pussy all of a sudden?

 

 

Here’s another one.

Tony Stark phones in to Jarvis, “unlock 17-C”, and a rocket shoots out of his house and sends a new robotic suit to Spiderman. You know what this fucking means? Tony fucking Stark has AT LEAST 18 more overpowered robot weapons that he for some shitbrain reason decided not to use against Thanos.

Also, the retarded fucking RoboHulk-Ironman is still a thing. Hey Tony, remember how you developed a huge fucking suit that can punch anything to death? Maybe make more of those? Maybe have 100 of them just chilling in low Earth orbit ready to call down like you did in Iron Man 2? Oh, wait, that would make our entire team irrelevant? But then how would we make more idiotic movies? Yeah, better just let people die needlessly instead of using my amazing robot technology to easily destroy all our enemies.

Seriously. He made a fucking army of Iron Mans (Iron Men?) in Iron Man 3 , but then he completely forgets how to do that because “hey, we have other heroes now, let’s let them risk their lives too. After all, robots are expensive and I only have all the money in the fucking world.”

Also, he has a “nano-tech” suit now. Really Tony? You developed nano-tech that can assembled into the shape of a suit at will? Great job. Maybe instead of that completely unnecessary bullshit, you program your nanobots to fly up Thanos’ nose and cut his spinal cord? No? You’re just gonna keep punching him? Ok, well, we gotta keep this shit going for the sequel somehow.

Next,

I will accept that they killed off Idris Elba. He’s too busy making good movies to be in shitty Thor movies anymore. But Loki? No fucking way. He’s like 90% of Marvel’s sex appeal. The fangirls would riot in the fucking street if Disney decided to axe their most eligible bachelor. He gets resurrected AGAIN, 100%. Calling that shit right now.

But are we really expected to believe that Marvel is just going to up and kill of their entire cast? Like seriously? They’ve been building up their franchise for the past decade, but we’re supposed to believe that they just exterminate the main protagonists of every film franchise they’ve made thus far?
“Oh well, I guess we only get Hulk and Falcon movies from now on.”
-A toddler who believes this shit

K, so I guess Dr. Strange foresaw that Thanos would somehow have a change of heart and bring everybody back to life, which (I guess) was the one possible scenario in which the Avengers could defeat him. Sure, whatever. But if Dr. Strange had this amazing ability to look into the future and predict all possible avenues of defeat or victory, why the fuck has he never used this power before? That sure would have been a convenient power to have, in, oh I dunno, every fucking Marvel movie ever. “Oh well, New York got genocided again, too bad we couldn’t see that shit coming. If only we had some kind of time magic that could foresee this shit.”

Then Thanos gets all fucking sad at the end because he murdered everybody for no fucking reason. Really Thanos? Now you get sad? How the fuck are you not mentally prepared for this shit to happen? “Hey, I’m Thanos, I’m staring at this sunset pondering the moral ramifications of mass genocide, poor pitiful me.”

 

 

Come the fuck on Marvel. Get fucking real. Did you not learn from DC comics when they “killed” Superman at the end of Man of Steel? My 5 year old cousin still shits his pants and he didn’t believe that shit for one second. So nobody is going to believe it when you kill off your entire fucking cast with the wave of a hand.

Disney/Marvel has officially jumped the shark with this one. Great job, fuckwits.

 

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