Depression, Fuck-ups, and Shitty Plans

When you’re depressed, you tend to question everything you’ve decided for yourself. Like, did I really think I could do that? Did I seriously think that was a good idea? Did I really believe I wouldn’t fuck that up?

And that sucks. That’s a big part of why we just sit in the house and wallow in our misery when we’re depressed. But it can also reveal some truth. Introspection is important. Depression sucks, but it revealed something to me this past week.

Namely, that I’m trying to be someone I’m not.

I was trying to be this person who can help people, and who can be there for people, and who can love other people. I was trying to be someone who can start a family and be reliable. But that’s not who I am. And it’s OK not to be a generic model of a “good person”.

I enjoy being a dirt-bag. I enjoy living a comfortable, easy life. I don’t need anyone else to be happy.

Deep down, I’m selfish. I use people, and honestly I don’t care if that’s wrong. I don’t subscribe to the same bullshit morality that 90% of people seem to believe in. I have standards, and I follow my own rules, but I refuse to subscribe wholesale to this predetermined set of societal rules, just because everyone else does so.

So fuck your laws, fuck your rules, and fuck everyone who tells me what I can and can’t do.

I realize this is abrasive. I realize this is not “good”, or “nice”. But I’m not good, and I’m not nice. I love myself, and I’m going to continue doing whatever the fuck I want. And fuck you if you don’t like it.

That said, I’ve gone over the line a few times in my life. I’ve fucked up, done something so bad that even I can’t justify it. I’ve broken my own rules, and I have to live with that. But that’s why even dirtbags gotta have rules. Otherwise we have chaos. And it’s no fun being a dirtbag in a chaotic world. Otherwise there’s no lines to cut, no babies from whom to swipe candy.

The world is kind to monsters. My goal is just to be the best, most honorable monster I can be. And if that’s just another shitty plan, fuck it. At least this way will be fun.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s